The Rocky Horror Potter Show
by snupinsdaughter
Summary: The Harry Potter version of The Rocky Horror Picture Show. Is back on due to popular demand! Recently saw RHPS at the theatre and was inspired to conitinue. So give yourselves over to absolute pleasure! :D RW/HG SS/RL LM/DM HG/DM LM/HG LM/RW SB/HP
1. Chapter 1: A Couple Of CleanCut Kids

**The Rocky Horror Potter Show**

**Characters:** Dr. Scott- Albus Dumbledore

Brad Majors- Ron Weasley

Janet Weiss- Hermione Granger

Betty Happshatt- Fleur Delacour

Ralph Happshatt- Bill Weasley

Eddie- Harry Potter

Rocky- Draco Malfoy

Frank 'n' Furter- Lucius Malfoy

Riff-Raff- Severus Snape

Magenta- Remus Lupin

Columbia- Sirius Black

**Spells and Potions/ Double Trouble (to the song Science Fiction)**

_Verse 1_

_Cedric Diggory was dead_

_Before Harry saw red_

_But he told us, who was hoaxed._

_And Severus Snape was there_

_In greying underwear_

_James Potter was under an invisible cloak._

_Then something went wrong _

_For Hermione and Ron_

_They got caught in a four poster bed._

_Then at a deadly zoom_

_It came from on a broom_

_And this is what the Prophecy said… _

_Chorus_

_Spells and potions (ooh ooh ooh) double trouble_

_Lucius Malfoy (ooh ooh ooh) created his double_

_See aurors fighting (ooh ooh ooh) Death Eaters_

_Sirius Black was (ooh ooh ooh) a Griffindor Beater_

_Wo oh oh oh oh oh_

_At the castle, double trouble, Potter show._

_Verse 2_

_I knew Professor McGonagall_

_Was cursing Quirrell _

_When Karkaroff took to the hills._

_And Lupin was turned on_

_When Snape said you're the one_

_And shagged him without taking his pills._

_Cho Chang said prunes_

_During Ancient Runes_

_And doing so, showed lack of skills._

_But when magic collides_

_Said Bill to his bride_

_It'll give you some terrible thrills_

_Like some…_

_Chorus again_

_Verse 3_

_I wanna be- oh oh oh oh_

_At the castle, double trouble, Potter show_

_Who's R.A.B? - oh oh oh oh_

_At the castle, double trouble, Potter show_

_I gotta see- oh oh oh oh_

_The castle, double trouble, Potter show._

**And Now For The Show**

The wedding of Bill and Fleur Weasley had been a spectacular event. The whole Weasley family had been there, as had Hermione Granger. Strangely enough, Harry hadn't turned up and was feared dead by many people, but today, for once, it was not about the famous Harry Potter.

It had been the typical fairy tale wedding, and afterwards, Fleur had thrown the bouquet and Hermione had caught it. As soon as Ron had seen this, he thought maybe it was a good idea to ask for her hand in marriage.

"Oh Ron! Didn't Fleur look lovely?!"

"Yes Hermione, the lucky git…god I wish I'd got in there first…" Ron trailed of with a dreamy look in his eye, "OW! What was that for?!" Hermione had just hit him.

"That's for being an insufferable half-wit, and you're forgetting about me."

"Ah, well 'mione I've got something to ask you," said Ron.

"Yes?"

"Well it's kind of important."

"Yes?"

"Will you, Hermione Jane Granger, marry me?"

"Of course I will!" Hermione held out her left hand and Ron slipped the ring on, then he pulled her into a heated kiss that left them both breathless, before heading of to the Burrow in the Flying Ford Anglia.

After about an hour flying in the dark, and some not-so-subtle touches of thighs, the car gave a stomach lurching jerk.

"Damn it!" shouted Ron, hitting his fist against the wheel, "the invisibilities gone off. We'll have to stop off at Hogwarts for a bit. It'll be strange, at Hogwarts in the summer holidays."

"I wonder if Harry might be here, I mean he is the new headmaster."

"Yeah, I hope he's alright, and he better explain why he didn't turn up for the wedding, or I'll kick his…

"RON! THE WHOMPING WILLOW!!"

Hermione grabbed the steering wheel and turned it ferociously out of the willows way. But it was too late; one of the branches caught the car on the side and sent it spinning towards the lake. The car landed with a deafening crash into the black lake. Hermione was the first to react and opened the door, pulling Ron with her. They swam to the surface and ran, coughing and spluttering, to the entrance doors of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

"Ron, the castle looks really creepy at night, maybe we should just find a place in Hogsmeade to stay at."

"Don't worry love, it's Hogwarts! The safest place in the world and a place where we know we aren't going to be sleeping near a load of weirdo's."

At that moment the door opened with a creak, a slither of light poured from the door and a pale, slim, hook-nosed, greasy haired man was revealed.

"Professor Snape, I know it probably isn't a good time, but Ron and I were just wondering whether we could stay here the night. You see our car sort of crashed in the lake and we thought we might as well stay here." Hermione explained timidly.

Snape surveyed the couple for a moment out of piercing black eyes. For a moment, a small flicker of a smile played across his features and then he opened the door a little wider.

"Your wet," he pointed out rather obviously.

"Er…yes, we already told you, our car crashed in the lake," Ron said weakly.

"I think perhaps you better both…come inside," sneered Snape.

The couple breathed a sigh of relief, gave each other a questioning glance about their former potion masters behaviour, and followed the said potions master into the castle.

"You've arrived on a rather special night. You see, Mr. Malfoy has taken over the school for the holidays to work on an experiment, and he has finally completed it. So we are having a party on his behalf," said Snape in a bored voice that betrayed a hint of jealousy. Hermione caught this bit of jealousy, there had been rumours that Snape was more than Lucius Malfoy's friend, his fuck toy most said, she wondered if this 'experiment' sparked a forgotten light in the Snape/Malfoy history. If so, what was it? Did Lucius have a new fuck toy? But instead of commenting on this little bit of info, she just said,

"Lucky him."

"You're lucky, he's lucky, I'm lucky, we're all lucky!"

The couple turned around at the voice and gave a gasp of horror as they saw Remus Lupin slide down the staircase handle wearing a French maid's outfit. What made it worse was the way he sauntered over to Snape and slapped his arse then started to passionately kiss him in front of Ron and Hermione!! Hermione blushed a deep crimson colour, as did Ron and they both looked away from the display. The potions master and werewolf looked as though they were thoroughly enjoying themselves, and only sprang apart when Ron cleared his throat a few times.

Snape removed his hand from underneath Lupin's skirt, and ordered the lot of them to follow him into the Great Hall.

**Let's Do The Hog-Warp!!**

Snape opened the door to reveal the changes to the Great Hall. Colourful lights filled the room, many people filled the room eating the buffet food and music blared from the four corners of the room. Snape, Lupin, Ron and Hermione stood just inside the Hall when a catchy beat started, and the guests all started dancing in sync.

_Verse 1_

_It's astounding,_

_Time is fleeting,_

_Magic takes its toll,_

_But listen closely,_

_Not for very much longer,_

_I've got to keep control…_

And to Ron and Hermione's astonishment, Snape started singing and dancing with Lupin. They were well into it when another familiar face popped into vision. Sirius Black was sat on a table wearing a glittery outfit of hot pants, jacket, shirt and bow-tie, sparkly hat, stockings and a pair of black tap shoes. Ron started pointing and muttering incoherently at him.

"Ron? What is it? Who are you pointing…Oh My God!!" said Hermione before she collapsed onto the floor. Sirius began to sing his part of the song with Snape and Lupin dancing in front of his table.

_Verse 2_

_I was flying down the street,_

_Just a having a drink,_

_When a Slytherin guy gave me an evil wink._

_He shook me around ,_

_He took me by surprise,_

_He had an 11inch wand_

_And the devil's eyes_

_He stared at me and I felt a change_

_Magic meant nothing_

_Never would again…_

And then Sirius gave Lupin a sexy wink, (Snape looked murderous, Lupin blushed), and he started tap dancing. The song ended with everyone lying on the floor for no apparent reason.

"Ron, I think the car will be alright now, if we could just leave," said Hermione nervously.

"No, we'll find Harry and then we'll go," Ron whispered.

The couple didn't notice, as they backed out of the Great Hall, that the guests were beginning to stand up and a golden haired man was walking down the marble staircase, tapping each step with his cane as he went. Snape, Lupin and Sirius started walking towards the couple slowly, this made Hermione feel very nervous at the adults, who she had learned to trust, strange behaviour.

"Ronald, something is really wrong with this place. Everyone's acting weirdly and I can't think of a single book I've read that could explain it," said Hermione nervously.

"Well that might be because, Miss. Granger, that in fact all of the things you learnt about this school from Hogwarts: A History is inaccurate," drawled a silky voice behind her. Hermione's face went pale at his words, and promptly fainted into Ron's arms.

"Jeez thanks Mr. Malfoy, she's been trying to get me to read that ever since our first year. I always thought it was too good to be true," grinned Ron.

"Ah yes, Mr. Weasley, looks can be misleading as you shall soon find out. Severus, Remus, Sirius! Follow me please."

The three adults followed Lucius Malfoy back into the Great Hall, to the raised platform at the back where a throne had been placed. Lucius sat on the throne with his legs draped over the chair arm and the adults stood around him. Severus was to the left of the chair by his masters' head, Lupin behind the back and Sirius was on the right of Malfoy, stroking Lucius's legs.

"Gentlemen, let us welcome our guests properly by unveiling what we have done these past 6 weeks. You see I've been making a man with blonde hair and a tan, someone to ease my…ah…tension. (At this Snape made an ugly face, one that looked remarkably like jealousy.) Why don't you stay for the night, our maybe a bite? But the best is yet to come. Fellas! Tell them what I am."

"He's just a sweet transvestite!!" the men said enthusiastically.

* * *

**Authors note: This story was created at least 4 years ago and will most likely never be finished due to my now very busy schedule. However, I do hope you enjoy what is here :D**


	2. Chapter 2: The Best Is Yet To Come

**The Best Is Yet To Come**

_Verse 1_

_How d'you do, I see you've met my faithful Potions man._

_He's just a little brought down because when you knocked_

_He thought you were the Boogeyman._

_Don't get strung out by a stupid book_

_Don't judge Hogwarts: A History by its cover_

_I'm not much of a man in the ministry_

_But in Hogwarts I'm one hell of a lover_

_Chorus_

_I'm just a Sweet Transvestite from Malfoy Manor, in Surburbia_

_Verse 2_

_So let me show you a spell, maybe let you show me aswell_

_You look like you're both pretty nifty_

_Or if you want something frothing with Snape behind you scoffing_

_We could take you to the labs in a shifty_

"Erm, Mr. Malfoy? 'Mione and I just want to go home; we're both in a bit of a hurry," said Ron nervously interrupting the song sparking furious glares from all involved.

"I was under the impression that you were stuck here for the night Weasley? Your car is after all rather…wet," slurred Lucius, turning to Hermione as he said 'wet' making her blush furiously. He flipped his legs graciously off of the thrones arms and strutted past them. He arrived at the doors to the Great Hall and turned quickly on his heels, once again facing the unnerved couple.

"Why don't you come down to the lab and see what's on the slab?" Ron shivered. "Oh yes, I see you shiver with antici….pation. What you will see may change your mind; removing the cause of your uneasiness, but not the symptom!"

Lucius banged the doors shut at this last word and Ron and Hermione were left feeling very uncomfortable and wishing to get out of the castle immediately. What had once been their safe haven had now become a hunting lodge for a rich weirdo. The three servants to Lucius crept up behind the young couple before making a great show of cleaning them up. Snape proceeded to strip Hermione down to her underwear who just stood there in shock, ignoring the fact that his hands lingered a little longer over her curves than they should have done. Remus, seeing this cruel comeback for the incident with Sirius earlier, took a prolonged time in stripping Ron down to his boxers, making sure to kneel down in front of his crotch whilst removing his trousers. Snape chucked Hermione's clothes onto Sirius's outstretched arm and stormed off to get the wine his master required.

"You're very lucky to be invited down to the dungeons, some people would give their right arm for the privilege. Even suffer indignities for it," again Sirius winked at Remus as he said this and again Remus blushed and scuttled off after Snape.

"Sirius what happened? You used to be so cool! Now you're dressed as a woman!" exclaimed Ron as he looked at Sirius incredulously. Sirius only laughed, throwing the couples clothes to the floor. Hermione bent to retrieve something to cover herself with but before she could the clothes magically disappeared. Ron tried desperately to look everywhere but at Hermione. His eyes strayed towards her cleavage and he felt a tingling in his groin which would be very difficult to hide given the circumstances.

"Think off-putting thoughts…off-putting thoughts…naked Hagrid…Dumbledore and McGonagall doing it…ergh that worked," sighed Ron with relief. He walked with Hermione to the doors and then the two followed Snape, Remus and Sirius down the dark winding steps towards the lab.


	3. Chapter 3: What's on the Slab?

**What's on the Slab?**

The five-some walked down through the dark, dank dungeons of Hogwarts towards Malfoy's lab. They arrived at the door to the last classroom and on entering, Ron and Hermione were shocked to see that it had been totally transformed. The walls were now lined with pale pink tiles, the floor and ceiling were a sparkling white and a ramp/balcony ran along the sides. The strange people who had been in the Great Hall previously dancing to the 'Hog-Warp' were now lining the balcony and staring down at the couple. Lucius stood facing the pair, wearing a surgical robe and bright pink rubber gloves. He grinned at them and beckoned them towards him as Snape slid past and gave the wine to his master.

'Sirius!' he commanded and Sirius stepped forward.

'Remus!' and Remus stepped forward; 'Go and assist Severus, I will attend to…our guests,' Lucius leered. He waved his wand once and a pair of white lab coats appeared in his hand.

'What charming underclothes you both have. Here,' he said as he handed them to Ron and Hermione who hastily put them on, 'these'll make you feel less vulnerable.' The people on the balcony giggled at this, gazing unashamedly at the couples 'assets'. 'It's not often we receive visitors here, let alone offer them hospitality.'

'Horse-brutality?! What on Earth are you on about man? You dress like a woman and surround yourself with weirdos and now you expect us to tolerate animal abuse?!?!' Ron shouted angrily at Lucius.

'Ron calm down,' said Hermione as she held him back from hitting Lucius by the arm, 'He said 'hospitality' not 'horse-brutality'.'

'Oh…right,' he blushed and was saved from further embarrassment by Snape reappearing at Malfoy's side.

'Everything is in readiness Master. We merely await your word,' said Snape in a dull, bored tone.

Lucius shoved the undrunk wine back at Snape with such force that it spilled over his robes. Snape glared at his back as he 'Scourgified' the spill from his black dinner jacket. Lucius reached the podium on which a large, red tank stood covered in a red sheet. He tossed back his hair and smiled widely at the crowd, revelling in the attention.

'Tonight, my unconventional conventionalists. You are to witness a breakthrough in magical research and perfection is to be made!' This speech was followed by rapturous applause. 'I have created a pureblooded, beautiful, magnificent creature who will be the greatest, most powerful man-witch, ahem I mean wizard, of all time!!' More applause followed and with a commanding 'Hoopla' from Lucius revealed a floating man in bandages within the red tank. He withdrew his wand and with a radiantly happy face, pointed it at the tank. A flash of rainbow coloured light emitted from his wand and suddenly the body began to stir. It stood up slowly and Ron and Hermione watched on with fearful eyes, holding each other for protection.

'Oh Ron!'

'It's alright, 'Mione'

The mummified creature leapt out of the tank and stood before it, waiting. Sirius and Remus approached with their wands and proceeded to cut the bandages, revealing Lucius's creation piece by piece. Smooth, pale skin was followed by platinum blonde hair and finally ice-blue eyes and a sneering face.

'Oh, Draco!' exclaimed Lucius, gazing at his son in wonder.

'Draco?!?!' said Ron and Hermione at the same time in shock. Draco uttered a growl and proceeded to burst into song which seemed to have become a theme in the mad world Hogwarts had turned into.

_Verse 1_

_The wand of Elder is hanging over my head_

_I shouldn't have left Dumbledore for dead. _

_Oh, woe is me, my life is a misery _

_And now, all for me,_

_My Dad's got the start of a really big boner._

_Verse 2_

_I woke up this morning with a start when I found Dad in my bed_

_And left from my dreaming I found wet patch on the side of my head._

_My libido's slow, I'm dressed up like a rich weirdo_

_And all I know is that my Dad's got the start of a really big boner._

_(People on the balcony sing 'Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime)_

_The wand of Elder is hanging over my head_

_I shouldn't have left Dumbledore for dead. _

_Oh, woe is me, my life is a misery _

_And now, all for me,_

_My Dad's got the start of a really big boner._

_Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime, that ain't no crime. Sha-la-la._

Draco finished the song by sitting on the side of his tank with Lucius stroking his leg. The servants gathered around praising Lucius for his work.

'He's ok,' Sirius said enthusiastically. This was a mistake as Lucius looked at him with mad eyes.

'Ok? OK!?! He's perfect!! Ron, Hermione, tell me, what do you think of him?' beamed Lucius.

'To be honest I think he's a slimy…oww,' Ron began, clutching his stomach as Hermione elbowed him.

'He's lovely, but not really to my taste.'

'I didn't make him for you!' Lucius shouted at her. He then proceeded to 'test' out his little experiment in front of all the people present in the lab. Draco performed spells and whisked up potions, producing fantastic results which made Hermione sick with envy. Suddenly, a loud bleeping noise came from the large, bolted door to the left of the couple and it opened slowly, allowing white smoke to emit from the gaps. Sirius squealed with delight and ran to the doorway. A figure on a motorcycle rode out of what turned out to be a freezer.

'Harry!'


	4. Chapter 4: Harry!

**Harry!!**

'Wooo,' shouted Harry ecstatically as he flew out of his freezing prison. His 'Firebolt' dashed around the room, past the strange people on the balcony whom he high-fived and shook hands with. After showing off, he came back down to earth to the side of a giggling Sirius who looked at Harry with adoring eyes.

'My sweet Siri, how I've missed you,' Harry said to Sirius. The two gazed at each other like love-sick puppies before falling into a deep, embarrassing-to-watch, kiss. Harry was the first to pull away, leaving Sirius looking dazed.

'Maestro!!' his wand appeared in his hand, 'let there be music!' declared Harry and at his command, the entire room was engulfed by the sound of rock 'n' roll. The weirdos began to dance erratically to their own beat and Harry swung and twisted Sirius around in a funky 50's way. Meanwhile, Lucius glared at the scene, getting increasingly madder as he watched his own servants, Snape and Lupin, dance hand in hand into the freezer to twist with the music. Ron and Hermione watched on, bewildered by Harry's behaviour but still swaying slightly in time to the beat.

The platinum headed Slytherin Transvestite caught out of the corner of his eye, the sight of his beloved Draco dancing in the corner. This was the final straw for Lucius and with a quick '_Petrificus Totalus'_ sent Draco's way, he walked towards the freezer with a malicious grin on his face. Nobody noticed him move as they were all to busy partying with Harry. Snape and Lupin were the first to see him as Lucius pushed his way past the servants deeper into the freezer. The two were forced out and stood like guardians by the door to the freezer as Lucius hit the switch to release the axe. They looked at each other, both knowing what was about to happen; figuring they weren't that fussed by the impending act of violence, Snape used his Legilimency skills to share his current lustful thoughts with his werewolf lover.

Lucius grabbed the axe from it glass case at the back of the freezer and proceeded to step over the blocks of ice back to the door. Hiding the axe behind his back, he sauntered up to Harry, just as the boy had finished spinning Sirius around on his broomstick. Harry immediately knew something was up from the mad glint in Malfoy's eye. He screamed a blood-curdling scream and Lucius lifted the axe up and hacked into Harry over and over again. The bloody scene was accompanied by the shrill shrieks of 'No!' from Sirius and the heavy thudding of metal on flesh. With a final swipe at Harry's head, Lucius stepped back, dropping the axe on the floor.

'One from the vaults,' Lucius said as a way of explanation. The weirdos laughed. Lucius looked at his hands in disgust, the rubber gloves now covered in dark red blood. He outstretched his arms and signalled that Remus should take them off, which he did, very reluctantly. A glimpse of blonde hair brought Lucius's attention back to the purpose of the night and to the fact that his son was still immobilised.

'Oh, baby!! _Finite!_'

He rushed over to Draco, pulling him into an embrace and kissing his forehead.

'Don't be upset, it was a mercy killing. I had to petrify you to stop you dancing and becoming like him. I don't want you to be like him; he had a certain naïve charm, but no talent.' At this, Draco pulled out his father's wand, twisted it in his fingers and made it issue a pure white substance from its tip making Lucius cry out with delight.

'Oh! A Patronus!! My boy you have a great talent!' said Lucius smugly.

'So did Harry,' muttered Ron. Hermione rubbed his arm tenderly, feeling his pain after witnessing their best friend's brutal murder.

Nobody heard this utterance luckily and the two watched as Lucius linked arms with Draco. The 'wedding march' began to play and the couple walked towards a hidden stage which was revealed by Snape and Lupin who opened the curtains. A king-sized bed dressed in black silk and purple velvet awaited the 'newly-weds'. Lucius led Draco up the steps to the stage and turned to face him. The curtains began to close once again, veiling the two from prying eyes as their 'honeymoon' began.

Sirius ran out of the dungeon doorway before anyone could speak to him. Snape watched his retreat with no pity in his eyes, only a growing sense of boredom at Sirius's girlish attributes. Remus on the other hand was more sympathetic towards Sirius, and longed to go after him and console him. But first, they had a duty to do.

Snape took Hermione by the hand and Remus did the same with Ron. The servants led the two out of the door and towards their separate rooms. Ron was to remain in the Hufflepuff dormitories, whereas Hermione was led by Snape to the Ravenclaw dorms at the furthest point away from her lover. As Snape and Lupin rendezvoused back at the top of the marble stairs, they celebrated themselves on a job well done at taking the young couple way out of their comfort zones. Clasping hands, they walked together towards the Great Hall to clean up the mess and observe how Ron and Hermione coped on their magical monitors.


	5. Chapter 5: Tasting Forbidden Fruit

**Tasting Forbidden Fruit**

Hermione sat on the royal blue four-poster bed sobbing to herself quietly. Her beloved Ron had been taken away from her, she was surrounded by freaks and transvestites, she was dressed only in her underwear and now she was alone in the Ravenclaw dorms; a place she was almost sorted into. Overall, it wasn't looking too good for Hermione. Eventually, she forced herself to get into bed as it was cold and she was quite tired. Snuggling down into the blue silk sheets and laying back against the pillows, she closed her eyes and drifted into Dreamland.

_Knock, knock…squeeeeeak_

Hermione's eyes opened in a flash and she sat bolt upright. She had drawn the curtains around the four-poster bed and was unable to see who had entered her room. Her body shook with fear as the sound of footsteps came closer and closer towards her. A hand slowly crept between the curtains and a familiar figure past through.

'Oh Ron it's you!! Thank goodness!!' Hermione breathed with relief. Ron didn't say a word only lifted up the sheets and proceeded to climb on top of Hermione, kissing her as he did so.

'Oh yes my darling! Wait, but what if…' Hermione began.

'It's alright 'Mione; everything's going to be alright.'

'Oh I hope so,' she whispered as she lay back, allowing Ron to better access to her neck. She lifted her hands to stroke them through his hair; it was unusually silky and long, normally it was like stroking through a matted brush. She opened her eyes and gasped in horror.

'YOU!!' she cried out, 'you used Polyjuice Potion!!'

'I'm afraid so 'Mione, but isn't this nice?' said Lucius as he gripped Hermione by the waist to keep her down on the bed as she struggled.

'You beast!! You monster!! What have you done with Ron?'

'Well, nothing. Why do you think I should?' Lucius leered at Hermione. She started sobbing that Lucius had tricked her, that she was saving herself for Ron. But Lucius began to kiss her again, and she relaxed little by little, even going so far as to say she was enjoying it. His lips descended towards her breasts and lower towards her stomach.

'See, this isn't so bad, I think your finding this quite pleasurable.'

'Oh Ron… no, no stop…oh Ron…RON! Help!' Hermione screamed out but to no avail. Lucius placed his finger over her lips, silently ordering her to be quiet.

'Sssh. Ron's probably asleep by now. Do you really want him to see you like this?' And as Lucius said 'this' he pulled Hermione's legs up to wrap around his waist. She pushed him off but in the back of her mind she thought it wouldn't be so bad…would it? She looked at Lucius. He was a very attractive man, even when wearing women's clothes and she was pretty…excited right now.

'Promise you won't tell Ron?' she pleaded.

'Cross my heart and hope to die,' Lucius said, moving back between Hermione's legs.

***

Downstairs in the Great Hall, Snape and Lupin were stacking the tables back together and sweeping the floor using non-magic methods. Snape hated doing things without magic but he had to do as his master commanded. These ridiculous commands would come to a stop one day; one day soon Snape thought to himself. Draco and the marital bed had been moved to the Great Hall along with the tank; another whimsical command with no real purpose that Lucius had decided would be fun.

Remus mopped at the floor near the tank, not really paying much attention to his task. Snape could hear his lover humming the old school anthem to himself in time with the mop. Snape's face softened as he watched Remus and a small smile of adoration crept over his lips. He glimpsed the platinum head of Draco, lying fast asleep amongst silk and velvet. A flash of mischief crossed Snape's mind for a moment and his smile of adoration morphed into one of cruelty. He walked up to Remus, conveying a mental message to him as they locked gazes. Remus smiled in return and watched Snape as he pulled his wand from his sleeve and began to perform magic.

Draco awoke to the feeling that his body was being burned with red-hot pokers. Sharp stabs of pain raced through his body yet he had no idea where they were coming from. He stood up and quickly got off of the bed. He spotted Snape with his wand out and he immediately began searching for his own. Draco realised after several more scorching stabs of pain that he had no wand of his own and was in immediate danger. His face fell and he saw Snape's eyes glisten with pleasure at the sight of fear. Draco went for the only option left to him; he fled from the Great Hall, pursued by more shots from Snape. He didn't stop running and continued out of the heavy oak front doors towards the Forbidden Forest.

Remus giggled silently and Snape laughed maliciously with him. The laughter subsided and the two turned to face each other. The merriment fell from their faces and they looked once more into the others eyes and thus their minds. Their hands came together, fiercely gripping their partners. Snape slowly bent his head down and to the side of Remus's and proceeded to bite his neck hard. Remus gasped with delight, letting go of one of Snape's hands in order to grip the Slytherin by the head. The two stumbled over to the marital bed, falling onto it and…you can guess the rest.

***

Ron lay on the black and yellow four-poster bed in the Hufflepuff dorms. He silently fumed over the events that had led him here and he dearly wished that Hermione was with him. He had almost been sorted into Hufflepuff, but he'd managed to bribe the Sorting Hat with two Galleons and half a cauldron cake; basically everything he'd had in his pocket at the time.

_Knock, knock…squeeeeeak_

Ron jumped at the noise, sitting bolt upright in the bed. He cursed himself for shutting the curtains around the bed. A figure emerged through the offending material and Ron relaxed as he saw Hermione. Her slender, yet slightly curvy body slipped under the sheets and she was in his arms within moments, kissing him and sliding her hands in places they'd never slid before. He moaned softly as her head descended down, further and further and…

'Oooh 'Mione!'

His hand moved to grip the back of her head yet when it arrived at its destination he found not curls, but straight, silky hair. This was odd, Ron thought, so he lifted the sheets a little and gasped in horror at who he saw.

'YOU!!' he cried out, 'how can it be you?!'

'Polyjuice I'm afraid Ron, but isn't this nice?' said Lucius as he gripped Ron by the hips and nuzzled his crotch.

'Why you…!! What have you done with Hermione?'

'Well, nothing. Why do you think I should?' Lucius leered at Ron. Ron twisted away from Lucius, making him kneel up away from his body.

'If I'd have known it was you, I'd never ever…'

'Yes I know. But it isn't all bad,' Lucius descended once more, 'I actually think you quite enjoyed it. There's no crime in giving yourself over to pleasure.'

'Oh 'Mione… no, no stop it, stop it…oh 'Mione…HERMIONE!!' Ron shouted out. Lucius placed his finger over Ron's lips, silently ordering him to be quiet.

'Sssh. She's probably asleep by now. Do you really want her to see you like this?' And as Lucius said 'this' he pulled Ron's legs up to wrap around his waist. He pushed Lucius off of him once more, yet part of Ron's…mind, screamed at him to pull Lucius back. They looked at each other and Lucius grinned as he saw the submission appear in Ron's eyes.

'We've wasted so much time already. Hermione needn't know, I won't tell her.'

'Well you promise you won't tell?' Ron asked.

'On my mother's grave,' Lucius said, moving back between Ron's legs.


	6. Chapter 6: More, More! MORE!

**More, More! MORE!**

A Patronus erupted through the door of the room Ron was staying in. Lucius looked up briefly and then pulled back from Ron a little bit.

'Master, Draco has left his bed and vanished. The new playmate is loose and somewhere in the Castle grounds. Remus has just released the dogs,' said the Patronus using Snape's voice.

'Uh, coming!' groaned Lucius before setting back to work on Ron.

***

Meanwhile, Hermione had managed to escape the Ravenclaw Tower and arrived back in the Great Hall, hoping to find Ron. She burst through the heavy oak doors to the hall and found nothing. The tank and bed from the lab/dungeon had been moved there but apart from that the place was empty (but also very tidy).

'Oh this is hopeless!' Hermione muttered to herself, 'I'll never find Ron! He could be anywhere in the Castle and I can't search it all by myself!'

Suddenly, an idea sparked into her head, the problem was she didn't have a wand. She looked around the Hall, in the tank, around the bed, under the sheets and finally she got down on her hands and knees to look under it. There it was. Lucius's wand was hidden under the bed where it had fallen from his garter. Hermione picked it up and deftly performed a searching spell. When used, the spell would find whomever you wished to seek and show you where they were and what they were doing at the time.

After a few seconds, a 3D image appeared in-front of Hermione. She gasped in horror, tears springing up immediately as she witnessed the awful image of her fiancé with the wretched Lucius Malfoy. The fact that she had slept with the same person only moments ago seemed to fly out of Hermione's head.

'Ron how could you?' Hermione uttered through her sobs. She dropped the wand onto the floor and thus cancelled the image. For several seconds, Hermione stood by the tank sobbing her little heart out. When she finally calmed down enough to start thinking rationally, her thoughts were disturbed by a soft, slender hand resting on her shoulder.

'Quit snivelling Mudblood, you're giving me a headache,' said Draco with only a hint of his usual malice.

'Get off of me Malfoy,' Hermione tried to twist away from him but Draco only gripped her harder. 'I don't know what you're playing at but your father is sick, you are sick and I just want to find Ron and go home!'

Draco only stared at Hermione silently. She became unnerved under his scrutiny, wondering why he still had his hand on her shoulder. She looked back at him and to her surprise, she saw scratches and bites marring his perfect skin. Thoughts of hatred dissipated and changed into concern for the poor young man.

'What happened to you Draco? Did they do this to you?' Hermione asked with a hint of sorrow and sympathy shadowing her voice.

'Yes,' replied Draco, turning his head to the side, his face grimacing as memories of being chased through the forest by wild dogs re-emerged. Without saying anything, Hermione ripped a strip of fabric from her petticoat and proceeded to wipe away the trickles of blood off of Draco's face. He turned his head slowly towards her, allowing her to continue cleaning his face. Whatever had happened between them in the past seemed to not matter anymore. Hermione began to sing softly.

_Verse 1_

_I was feeling done in, couldn't win_

_I'd only ever kissed before._

_I thought there's no use getting into heavy petting_

_It only leads to trouble and seat wetting…_

Draco watched as Hermione stopped cleaning his face and took hold of his hand, leading him into the tank.

_Now all I want to know is how to go  
I've tasted Malfoy and I want more  
I'll put up no resistance, I want to stay the distance  
I've got an itch to scratch, I need assistance:_

This 'assistance' came in the form of Hermione grabbing both of Draco's hands and placing them on her breasts. Of course, naturally, Draco didn't care that he was touching a mudblood anymore and followed Hermione's whim.

_Toucha toucha toucha touch me, I wanna be dirty  
Thrill me chill me fulfil me  
Creature of the night._

She wrapped her arms around his neck and moved closer to him. Draco smiled at her as she tipped her head back, allowing him to kiss her neck. She lifted her head back up and looked him straight in the eye.

_Then if anything grows while you pose  
I'll oil you up and rub you down  
And that's just one small fraction of the main attraction  
You need a friendly hand and I need action..._

Toucha toucha toucha touch me, I wanna be dirty  
Thrill me chill me fulfil me  
Creature of the night.

Draco pulled Hermione down with him into the tank and obeyed her wishes for him to 'thrill her, chill her and fulfil her' with as much enthusiasm as possible.

***

'How did it happen?!' screeched Lucius as he stormed down the corridors towards the Great Hall, kicking a passing house-elf on its way to the kitchen. Snape followed at his side with a blank expression on his face; Ron followed sheepishly behind.

'I was only away for a minute, Master. I'm sure he'll have returned to his bed by now,' Snape slurred in his deep velvet voice. The voice never failed to soothe Lucius, yet his rage was only dulled momentarily. A heavy _thud, thud_ came from the direction of the entrance to the castle.

'Snape, get the door. Mr. Weasley and I will go to the Great Hall. I hope for your sake that Draco is safe in his bed,' Lucius warned and swept away with Ron at his heels.

Grumbling under his breath, Snape walked swiftly towards the door, his cloak billowing behind him. He arrived at the door and opened it about an inch wide in order to see who was there. His eyes widened a fraction as he saw who was there.

'Hello, Severus. How nice it is to see you again.'

Snape backed up quickly, allowing the man standing at the door through into the entrance hall. The man smiled widely at Snape and nodded for him to take him through to the Great Hall.

'Master…master! We have a visitor,' Snape said in a bored voice which hid his true glee at the visitors' presence. This was the only man who could rid Hogwarts of Lucius Malfoy. Lucius span around on his heel and nearly stumbled and fell as he looked at the visitor with shock on his face.

'You're meant to be dead!! Snape killed you on the Tower a few years back! How can you be here?' Lucius shouted angrily.

'T'is a wonderful trickery of the mind, my dear Lucius. I shall have to tell you sometime over tea; however now, I see that you have turned Hogwarts into a little orgy den; how lovely!' the One and Only Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore said with a glint in his eye.

'Professor! I'm so glad you're alive! Lucius has turned this place into an asylum for men with serious mental delusions. They dress up as women!' Ron explained. Lucius looked at him, whispering in his ear something that made Ron blush, his face turning the colour of a ripe beetroot.

'How exactly are you alive, Dumbledore?' Lucius leered.

'Well Severus and I planned it all out. He'd shoot me with a petrifying spell; I'd lie in a coffin pretending to be dead; lovely ceremony by the way, brought tears to my eyes. Then a few nights later, after you all thought I was dead, Severus here came and released me. It was the only way I could give Harry the motivation to find the Horcruxes and kill Voldemort.' Albus retold his story cheerfully, 'Speaking of Harry, where is he? I came here looking for him. I heard he had taken my spot as Headmaster and I hoped that I could tell him what I've told you.'

A gasp came from the tank and the four adults turned to look. Lucius stomped towards the tank and looked inside, moving a sheet to reveal the naked, and entangled, bodies of Hermione and Draco.

'Hermione,' beamed Albus.

'Professor!' squeaked Hermione.

'Hermione?!' yelled a shocked Ron.

'Ron!' blushed Hermione.

'Draco,' snarled Lucius.

'Hermione,' beamed Albus.

'Professor!' squeaked Hermione.

'Hermione?!' yelled a shocked Ron.

'Ron!' blushed Hermione.

'Draco,' snarled Lucius.

'Hermione,' beamed Albus.

'Professor!' squeaked Hermione.

'Hermione?!' yelled a shocked Ron.

'Ron!' blushed Hermione.

'Draco,' snarled Lucius, 'I made you! And I can break you just as easily!'

'Master! Dinner is prepared!' Remus squealed delightedly as he entered the room hitting a gong. Lucius glared at him, quelling the smile on Remus's face which angered Snape. Lucius turned to Remus.

'Excellent. I see that formal dress has been deemed optional by Miss. Granger and my son. You will all join me for dinner in the charms room down the corridor.' And with a click of his heels, Lucius swept out of the room leaving the servants and guests behind in a very awkward situation.


	7. Chapter 7: No picnic&very little Bon Ami

**No picnic and very little Bon Ami**

Albus, Ron, Hermione, Sirius and Draco sat around the table laid out in the Charms room. Lucius sat at the head of it. Snape and Remus stood at his sides; the dark-haired Slytherin summoned a large leg of an unknown animal which landed with a _thud!_ on the table. Remus handed Lucius an electrical saw so he could cut the meat.

_Buzzzzzzzzz!_

The noise of the saw was incredibly loud and as Lucius cut the meat; his servants went around the table and poured the wine into the 24 carat gold goblets. Draco went to drink from his goblet but was stopped when his father sliced at him with the saw causing Draco to cower back in his seat. The transvestite finished slicing the meat and picked up his goblet.

'A toast!' all raised their goblets with him, 'to absent friends,' said Lucius. This utterance earned him quizzical looks from Ron and Hermione which Lucius ignored. 'And now…' he followed with the 'Happy Birthday' tune in honour of Draco; however the song died after the first three lines.

'We came here to discuss Harry I believe,' began Albus cheerily, smiling invitingly at Lucius.

'Harry!' screamed Sirius who was immediately silenced when Lucius picked up the saw and swiped at him.

'That's a rather tender subject,' Lucius said, glancing at Sirius mockingly. 'Another slice, anyone?' Dawning realisation appeared on everyone's faces except Draco's and Albus's. Sirius muttered something that sounded like 'excuse me' before leaving the room. His mournful cries echoed down the corridor back into the Charms classroom. Ron and Hermione dropped there forks onto the table; Ron gagged on his last piece of meat.

'You mean…that's not really…you wouldn't…would he?' Ron stumbled over his words as he finally realised that he had eaten a slice of Harry's dead flesh. He turned a sickly shade on grey and promptly threw up all over the floor. Hermione turned white as a sheet and began to stand up.

'Now, now, Miss. Granger, don't be alarmed. I'm sure this isn't the first time you've tasted Harry's flesh,' Lucius grinned.

'You're a monster!' she screamed, lashing out at him with her fists, 'he did nothing to deserve such a fate!'

'On the contrary,' Lucius began, grasping Hermione's hands to stop her flailing attack, 'he did. He was fun to play with at first but then the boy wonder got a little too cocky for my liking. And cockiness isn't something I generally dislike.' Lucius stood up, taking out his wand with his free hand; he pointed it directly at Ron.

'I'm sorry Mr. Weasley, but I have to do this, you see I have plans and well, you won't like how you're involved in them. It's the only way. _Petrificus Totalus!_' Lucius yelled and Ron was frozen in place. He repeated the spell on Albus who sat humming in his chair, then on Hermione and finally Draco. Sirius was the final one to get Petrified for Lucius called him back to the room.

'Sirius? Come here, my love,' cooed Lucius. Sirius entered the room; his eyes were red and puffy, his breathing shaky.

'I can't stand anymore of this Malfoy! You take, take, take and drain others of their love and emotion. It's not right! I loved you! And look what it got me, a big nothing,' Sirius ranted whilst Lucius watched on, bemusement covering his face. He flicked his wand and Sirius froze mid-sentence. Lucius's smile died and he turned to his servants with a look of sadness.

'It's not easy having a good time. Even smiling makes my face ache.'

Snape covered his anger at the man's selfishness with his well practiced mask of nonchalance. Remus, however, wasn't so careful.

'Argh! I grow weary of this madness! When shall we return Hogwarts back to normal, huh?!' Remus yelled at his master, taking Lucius completely by surprise. Lucius gathered himself together after his initial shock and said;

'Remus, I am grateful to both you and Severus. You have both served me well and your loyalty will not go unrewarded. You'll see that when the mood takes me, I can be quite generous…'

'I ask for nothing, Master,' Remus said in a menacing voice, the tender stroking of his arm by Severus did not soothe his temper completely.

'And you shall receive it, in abundance!' Lucius replied angrily, storming towards the door. 'Come, we are ready for the Floor Show.' And with that he disappeared, taking the petrified guests with him.

Snape looked at Lupin. Remus looked at Severus. They communicated using Legilimency once more and whatever it was they said made them both smirk with glee. Severus took Remus's hand in his own and led him to his office in the dungeons where their long-plotted plan could begin.


	8. Chapter 8: Further Indignities

**Further Indignities of the Floor Show**

The Great Hall had been transformed once more. This time there was a grand stage set where the staff table used to be and hundreds of chairs replaced the House tables. Lucius's theatre of madness was ready and the participants of his elaborate show derived from his crazed imagination were ready. Sirius, Draco, Ron and Hermione were all dressed similarly to Lucius. All wore fish-net stockings, jewelled black corsets, black French knickers and suspenders, shiny black stilettos, glittering red gloves edged with feathers and all this was topped off with a fancy feather boa. Lucius was highly pleased with his handiwork and added the final touches of make up to his unwilling cast before disappearing to ready himself for his part. From behind the stage, Lucius would reawaken each of the cast and perform the Imperius Curse on them; they would act out the floor show exactly how he wanted.

The dark red velvet curtain edged in gold embroidery hung down, hiding the stage. Beyond the curtain, an invisible audience watched on with eager anticipation. A sudden fanfare began, sounding as if from nowhere, and the curtain lifted up dramatically to reveal Sirius, Draco, Hermione and Ron all frozen in a row.

'_Finite!_' whispered Lucius from behind the stage before quickly following it with '_Imperio!_' aimed at Sirius. The song began and Sirius danced sexily in time.

_Verse 1 (Sirius)_

_It was great when it all began_

_I was a regular Lucius fan_

_But it was over when he had the plan_

_To start a-working on a magic-man._

_Now the only thing that gives me hope_

_Is my love of a certain bloke_

_The Curse controls my world_

_Keeps me safe from my trouble and pain._

Sirius came to a dramatic end, posing with his feather boa between his legs as Draco kicked off the next verse with slightly less grace.

_Verse 2 (Draco)_

_I'm just seven hours old_

_Truly beautiful to behold_

_And somebody should be told_

_My libido hasn't been controlled._

_Now the only thing I've come to trust_

_Is my love of Hermione's bust._

_The Curse controls my world_

_Keeps me safe from my trouble and pain._

Next up was Ron. The following performance proved to be exceptionally hard to watch. It was clear that Lucius had effectively destroyed all the masculinity Ron had ever possessed. This hadn't been much to start with.

_Verse 3 (Ron)_

_It's beyond me, help me 'Mione_

_I'll be good, you'll see_

_Take this Curse away!_

_What's this? Let's see!_

_I feel sexy! What's come over me?_

_Woah here it comes again!_

After feeling up his own legs and shaking with the thrill of femininity, Hermione came back to life with a moan and a sexy roll of the hips. Lucius controlled her utterly and made her move to his whim. She cried out and moved like a lust-filled seductress for the invisible audience before her. He grinned at her movements and felt the build of arousal from the sense of his control over her. With a last longing glance at her curves as she crawled across the stage, he prepared for his grand entrance onto the stage.

_Verse 4 (Hermione)_

_I feel released, bad times deceased_

_My confidence has increased, reality is here!_

_The game has been disbanded, my mind has been expanded_

_It's a Curse that Lucius has landed!_

_His lust is so sincere._

Another fanfare began announcing Lucius's entrance onto the stage. A grey curtain which covered the very back of the stage began to lift up revealing Lucius stood before a magnificent marble pool of crystal clear water. He was raised up on a platform above the water and he began to sing; tears pricking his eyes at the meaning behind the words. His 'puppets' stood posing where he had left them.

_Verse 5 (Lucius)_

_Give yourself over to absolute pleasure_

_Swim the warm waters, of sins of the flesh_

_Erotic nightmares, beyond any measure_

_And sensual daydreams to treasure forever._

_Can't you just see it?_

Lucius yelled as he jumped into the marble pool, landing softly on a layer of bubbles he had created in order to catch him. A harp played followed by soft music as Lucius and his puppets began to swim around in the pool, kissing and chanting '_Don't dream it, be it_' over and over again. The scene was peaceful and beautiful to behold once the bizarreness of the situation was overcome. Without warning, Professor Dumbledore, former Headmaster of Hogwarts school of Witchcraft and Wizardry, overcame the power of Lucius's Petrifying spell and stood up out of the chair he had been placed in. He heard the sounds of his former pupils voices and sighed happily, a twinkle in his eye.

'Oh poor children, I've got to get them out of this trap. Before this decadence saps their wills. I've got to be strong, try to hang on or I may very well snap and our lives will be lived for the thrills of the weird!' Dumbledore concluded his powerful speech by putting a hand into his pocket and finding a lemon sherbet sweet. He unwrapped it and popped it into his mouth. Instantly, he was filled with a sense of powerful love for the world and without a moment's hesitation, disappeared into the changing rooms to find an old pair of stockings and suspenders for himself. Severus had brewed the potion for Lucius and slipped it into the Headmaster's favourite treat; Dumbledore wouldn't be rescuing everyone from Lucius's clutches anytime soon.

Whilst Dumbledore was hastily readying himself for the finale, Lucius and his gang leapt out of the water screaming with joy. They splashed and wriggled out of the water onto the stage, dancing together as one with smiles plastered on their faces.

_Verse 1 (Lucius)_

_My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my!_

_I'm a wild and an untamed thing_

_I'm a wand with a deadly sting_

_You get a hit and your mind goes 'PING!'_

_Your heart's pumping and your blood will sing_

_So let the party in Hogwarts rock on!_

_We're gonna shake it till the summer's gone_

_The Curse controls my world _

_Keeps me safe from my trouble and pain_

Dumbledore joined them all on stage after Lucius began the song. The same verse was repeated by all accompanied by leaps and screams of joy. Lucius revelled in the world of theatre and his dream was coming true right here, right now. He twirled around on his heels and came to a sudden stop. To his horror, Severus and Remus had just entered the Great Hall and were brandishing their wands at him menacingly. He glanced about for his wand but then his heart sank when he saw Remus had it tucked into his belt. The pair of servants were dressed normally now; Snape in his billowing black robes and Remus in his shabby tweed trousers and knitted cardigan. Lucius's dancers had stopped mid-step and were now huddled by the side of the stage, watching with fearful eyes. Severus abruptly ended the song with a few lines of his own.

_Lucius Malfoy, it's all a ploy_

_Your mission is a failure_

_Your lifestyle to extreme._

_I'm your new Master_

_You now are my prisoner_

_We return Hogwarts to normal_

_Prepare to end your dream!_

Severus looked on at Lucius with loathing in his eyes as his former Master crumpled onto his knees, tears smudging his make-up. Lucius looked up at Severus with pleading eyes.

'Wait! I can explain.'


End file.
